The skill and value of being direct

I had to work at it. We're taught that politeness means avoiding directness. That's wrong.

I’ve written before about the power of decisiveness: Endless hemming and hawing and wishy-washiness in meetings makes everyone crazy, hinders productivity, and just generally stinks on ice.

I have strong opinions on this.

The summary of that aforelinked post is basically: When a decision needs to be made, and that decision is a coin flip, just make one. Endless debate about the trivial is a motivation suck.

Photo by Fernando Venzano on Unsplash

There’s an important corollary to this rule, and this one was significantly harder for me to internalize: You need to learn to be direct. I cannot oversell the power of directness.

Many of us — maybe not enough of us! — aim to default to politeness. I like politeness. I support and encourage politeness. But many of us polite folk allow that politeness instinct to limit ourselves, to avoid directness. That’s a problem.

Here’s an all-too-common, real-world example: You’re in a meeting — a scheduled one, or an impromptu one around some cubicles — and someone is behaving poorly. They’re acting inappropriate, or aggressive, or petulant. Maybe they’re acting huffy from a prior meeting that left them pissed; maybe they’re just in a bad mood.

I’ve seen this person in many meetings, and I’ve seen the situation completely and totally ignored. That gives the power to the angry person, and makes the whole meeting awkward, unnecessarily tense, and less productive than it should be. There is power in having the confidence to call out the crappy behavior: “Glen, you’re giving off a heavy ‘I’m in a bad mood’ vibe. If you want to step out, I’m happy to send you notes on where we land later.”

or

“Glen, we’re asking you detailed questions, and you’re giving gruff, one-word answers. I think we should reschedule.”

or

“Glen, I understand you disagree with the rest of the room. But you’re the only one fighting on this; the rest of us are all in agreement. At this point, are you venting, or do you actually have confidence you can change everyone’s mind?”

Did your eyebrows shoot up reading any of these examples? It’s a lot to say in the room, in real time — believe me, I know. And honestly, depending on the room (or virtual room) you’re in, you may even contribute to the tension for a moment; directness can feel awkward.

That said, your labeling of the otherwise-ignored behavior gives you strength, and it both comforts and inspires the rest of the team. You’re demonstrating your own confidence, and you’re caring for the rest of the team who’s dealing with the offender’s less-than-stellar behavior.

It’s important to note that this directness needn’t be limited to people behaving jerkishly. I had a friend recently share a story about someone completely misunderstanding some information and spending 10 minutes of a 30-minute call going deep on how to solve an issue that didn’t exist — all going off that initial misunderstanding. Everyone else on the call understood what was happening, but no one stepped in. Be the person who interrupts: “Dave, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I think you’re misunderstanding the situation. Ellen was saying we do have enough pre-orders. So let’s move on in our agenda.”

If you directly curb strong-willed Dave’s monologue, you’re a meeting hero.

Being direct doesn’t mean being mean or rude. And it’s not about bullying. It’s about commonly but clearly — directly! — labeling what’s happening, saying what needs to be said, without tiptoeing around. Businesses crave efficiency, and directness eliminates inefficiencies.

By the way, this direct approach even applies to saying “I don't know.” Rather than guess at an answer, or make one up, or spend five minutes tap-dancing around the fact that you’re not sure, a simple “I don’t know, but I’ll find out” is direct and saves a ton of time.

Think of directness as a gift to yourself and the people around you. You’re saving time, eliminating confusion, and protecting folks from bad, tiresome, or unnecessary behavior or delays.